Mañana

Yesterday was Sunday and I didn't go to church. I never go to church, but it has been weighing on my mind more and more lately. I am not a religious person. A long time ago, I put my two feet on the ground, looked religion square in its stained-glass eyes and said, "no thank you". I didn't buy it. My knowledge was clouded and was mostly based from Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell. That said, I do have a soft spot in my heart for Anglican hymns. I did quite enjoy singing my lungs out at 8am in school chapel. Nothing like a rousing hymn to get your blood pumping before class. However, my young brain connected the dots between cult and Christianity when I heard on the news about Heaven's Gate. I didn't want to be like those people who "drank the koolaid" so I decided it was not for me, and when you die, you are worm food.

But how do I continue to deny it when I hold a living, breathing miracle in my arms? Eleanor should have died that first week in hospital and she didn't. All the numbers and odds were against her and she is still here.

I hate the expression "born again", and I don't think it applies to how I am feeling. It's more like an awakening, which is much quieter than the act of being born. And (as I stated above) I was never much into this before. It's just a quiet, peaceful discovery that perhaps there is a bigger plan for us, certainly there seems to be one for Eleanor.

I have been following a blog of a mother, not unlike myself, whose daughter has a degenerative brain disease and has lost her sight and her ability to move. She is palliative and is not supposed to live past two years of age. This mother refers to her baby as her teacher, and I think that is such beautiful sentiment. I am not sure if I am there yet. I have a lot of anger in my heart still, but it only lives there because I can't handle how sad this situation makes me. I pray that I can get to that level of understanding. I pray that I can take each day as it comes with joy and be grateful for the time I have with my baby. I say thanks for every moment we have shared together. I'm not sure about any deeper meaning behind our existence but I understand the importance of NOW. The past is gone, the future is uncertain, and today is a gift. That is why it is called "present".

Maybe I don't need religion, I just need more Kung Fu Panda!

I wanted to write this post, sitting at my computer and adding lots of photos, but I am typing this as I always type these: overtired, on my phone, and in bed. I also wanted to write about all the adventures we have had while out of the hospital, but I think I will save those for another day when I am feeling blue. Tomorrow we head back into hospital to start the next phase. Tonight is for regrouping my thoughts and enjoying our last moments of "freedom".

Thanks for today.