Blue Skies

Blue skies smiling at me
Nothing but blue skies do I see

Bluebirds singing a song
Nothing but bluebirds all day long

Never saw the sun shining so bright
Never saw things going so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone
Nothing but blue skies from now on

Summertime has finally arrived on the West Coast. I've been lucky enough to get on pass and enjoy the sunshine. While Irving Berlin may be the soundtrack ringing in my ears, it's not necessarily the song in my heart. Those blue days may be gone, but blue skies aren't as clear as they seem and the haunting melody echoes more true than the charming lyrics. As Eleanor continues to thrive and defy odds, I find myself riddled with sadness and loneliness. I have so many wonderful friends and family members but my heart is not whole without Kristopher. I miss him. I miss my dog. I miss the little home we were building with big dreams.

I moved away from acting because my dreams changed. I turned my back on what I thought was my calling and pursued a different path because I wanted it to lead to babies and puppies and sleepless nights with lots of "duddle" time. I wanted a house with a yard and an army to run with. It was a vague shadow of a dream that was drawn into focus with Kristopher's keen eye. And now it has all been put on hold. More than that, it feels like it has been ripped to shreds. It's so hard. We were getting so close to where we wanted to be and now we cling to what was, what could be and what is left of our broken hearts.

People keep asking, "what do you want? What do you need?" I want my family back under the same roof, in the same city. I need my baby to get better. It's hard to not feel like you have been kicked in the proverbial nuts everyday. Somedays (like today) I need a proverbial jockstrap. This box of Girl Guide cookies will have to suffice. That, and a "good night" phone call to my love and a deep, dark sleep.