It's New Years Eve

And hopes are high
Dance one year in, kiss one goodbye...

We don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything we want is here
If you're with me
This year will be
The perfect year

Happy Holidays!

Well, it wasn't my favourite Christmas, but it was my least favourite Christmas...!

I shouldn't say that. Kris and Eleanor and I have had a wonderful week together and we got to see some of our favourite people. I spent most of my free time baking cookies and then eating said cookies. I tried to give them away as gifts, but Eleanor decided she really likes gingerbread.

You thought the Cookie Monster was a blue muppet? Think again!

What?

We went down to the Empress Hotel to check out the Christmas tree display that raises funds for BC Children's Hospital. I tried to get a photo of Eleanor in front of the big tree in the lobby, but Kris wasn't being a very cooperative photographer or photography subject, but it was fun nonetheless!

You were supposed to get the tree, my love!

...close enough.

We tried to honour Kris's Lithuanian heritage by abstaining from meat on Christmas Eve and eating 12 courses of cold fish for Kūčios dinner.

We cheated. It is sushi.

We didn't do a ton of gifts, mostly because we don't have a lot of money, but also because we received the best gift two weeks ago. And because Eleanor is still too little to know what's going on. Her cognition is getting much better, but she still has no idea what's happening at Christmas. All she knows is that Daddy is home a lot and that makes her sooooo happy.

We bought her a tea set, which she absolutely adores. We let her open our gifts to each other and even re-wrapped a couple of gifts she got for her birthday so she could pull the paper off more prezzies, but the tea set was still her favourite. 

I've spent the last couple of days pulling tiny tea cups out of my shoes and sorting fake teaspoons from real ones when I wash the dishes! Speaking of shoes, Eleanor's "fairy god lady" came to the rescue and bought her a fancy new pair of kicks. 

This is her "listening" to Jessa's pre-recorded version of The Little Engine That Could

Eleanor's physio recommended she wear shoes with more support as she still over pronates when standing. And when you think about it, she's only really been able to stand for 6 months... Not very long at all. She's not overly concerned, but thought proper running shoes might help. Check out these bad boys.

Totally coincidental that they match mine (I bought these back in August as my post-marathon shoes. Now they are my post-pregnancy shoes!), but awesome nonetheless.

We were invited to lots of lovely dinners on Christmas Day, but Eleanor caught a little bug from her playgroup and started waking at 3:30-4:00am again. It makes her so tired and cranky around dinnertime that we cancelled our plans. It's just not worth it. She gets so miserable and then Kris and I get tense and bedtime is harder and she sleeps terribly and we start the cycle all over at 4:00am! We have trained my parents over the past year to have early-bird family dinners and we can get home for bedtime and everyone is happy, but that wasn't an option this Christmas as everyone is away at a family wedding. Daniel and Ruth - I love you to bits and am so excited that you are getting married today but...can I have my family back?!?? I miss them.

Oh and because Kris thinks this is hilarious, I have added some photos of me rocking my favourite gifts - moon boot slippers and some kind of weird poncho/blanket/wrap (thanks Trudi and Jessa!). It's been my uniform for the past few days and may see me through the rest of my pregnancy. See you in April, any sort of fashion sense!!

With a kid in my tummy and one around my ankles...

This Is 30 (going on 90)

Terrible 2's

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because she is now officially two. Maybe it's because she's been off the Mitotane for almost a week (officially - we didn't stop it completely until we got the results from the PET scan, even though we were supposed to stop it three days prior... semantics, really ;-). Or maybe she is just a jerk.

I think it's probably a combination of the first and second options.

Eleanor has been extremely resistant to everything lately. She fights putting on clothes, getting out of the tub, eating, sleeping, NOT digging through the garbage... you name it, she has got a problem with it. Welcome to the terrible two's! She seems to be playing the angle that she has a lot of catching up to do, so she is EXTRA fussy and controlling. When I don't want to tear my hair out, I feel bad for her. She is still so limited with communication and movement that it's hard for her to express what she wants (or doesn't). It must be terribly frustrating, but I'm frustrated too! I spent longer getting ready for a stupid walk today than actually walking! And momma-bear is getting FAT and needs to walk! Oh wait, it's pronounced "pregnant". Right.

But all of us needed a walk today. My poor dog is seriously neglected these days. I do my best to exercise the snot out of her, but it's getting harder and harder to meet her needs. She had a bad belly yesterday and pooped in my car (while driving, so there was very little I could do) and again in the living room. Like a ninja. On my freshly cleaned carpet. Ugh. But rather than get mad and frustrated, I acknowledge her bad belly and the unfortunate change to her routine and strive to make her life more comfortable. Just like I strive to make Eleanor's tantrums more bearable. Yes. Patience is a virtue I covet, but unfortunately lack.

Anyway, we struggled through the excessive layers of clothing, the assembly of the stroller and the awkward elevator ride and the three of us enjoyed the craziest, windiest, wettest walk of the year. Because of Washington State's protective, older-brother-like hug around Victoria, we rarely get big breakers rolling in, but today the sea was arching and crashing! Atia and I got smoked by a wave that crashed over the sea wall along Dallas Rd. Eleanor was safely ensconced in her bubble, eating Goldfish and pulling off her shoes. The wind and the rain and the sea were so loud I couldn't hear her protesting. When we turned away from the ocean, I realized that our idillic (though blustery) walk was over. Thankfully it was long enough to keep Atia quiet for the rest of the morning and give me an excuse to eat cookies while I write this!

Tomorrow we head out to our last doctor's appointment of 2012. We saw oncology on Monday and did a bone-age X-ray as well as some blood work and tomorrow we see endocrine. Hopefully everything comes back normal. Her puberty-like symptoms continue to baffle all her docs and they, like us, are just hoping they all go away and she can resume looking like the normal toddler she is. We are just super thankful that this holiday season is so much less dramatic than last year's PICU stay. I'll take quick clinic visits over that debacle any day!

12 Days of Christmas - Eleanor style

18 months of Mitotane
11 random nodules
10 percent survival
9 days intubated
8 rounds of chemo
7 months in hospital
6 months of blood thinner
5 milligrams of cortef!!
4 dozen(+) vomits
3 yucky surgeries
2 heart stoppages
and a toddler that's cancer-free!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

A Thrill of Hope, The Weary World Rejoices

The news we have been waiting for for 18 long months has finally arrived. There is no evidence of disease in Eleanor. She is officially cancer-free!

I don't know what else to do, so I am writing.

I am spent. Every fibre in my being is exhausted. I want to be elsewhere. I want to be in the stratosphere, looking down on this crazy world. I want to drink more booze than I ever have, EVER, and find myself in a ditch in a city I've never been to before. I want to wrap myself in the deepest, darkest, bear-like winter hibernation.

And I'm so happy! I've received the best possible news that any cancer mum could every hear! My daughter has beat her dragon into submission! She has officially kicked cancer's ass! She is one of THOSE kids now!

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I am THRILLED, but I can't believe it.

Yup, definitely thrilled.

I think my desire for darkness stems from how bright her future suddenly is. Suddenly I can see how poor her diet is and the desperation to make her eat SOMETHING seems rotten. Suddenly I can see her trotting off to kindergarten. Suddenly I can see a world free of constant monitoring, constant medications. Suddenly her life looks LONG and FULL and so much more than I ever would have thought possible. It's heart-poundingly terrifying and wonderful.

I know her life will be hard. She could still relapse and her genetic condition means she will very likely face cancer again at some point. But that could be 100 years from now (Li Fraumeni is also linked to longevity), or never. She could just grow up normal.

Very intent on our game of "I Spy"

Opening birthday prezzies

We are blessed. We have been truly blessed to receive this news. I honestly believed we would never hear the words. But Eleanor continues to defy all the odds and rewrite textbooks and constantly prove everyone (including me!) wrong. She's a special little girl, that's for sure.

The baby awakes. I must pull myself out of my desire for sleep and rest and continue to parent my seemingly healthy toddler! And thank you for your kind words of support and for sharing in this joyous moment with us. The outpouring of love we have received via Eleanor's Facebook page and by phone, email and text is overwhelming. It is wonderful.

9:06 am

It is birthday Monday here in the Goudie household. At 9:06 am Eleanor officially turns 2 years of age.

My little bear.

My turkey sub.

My heart, my world, my everything.

We had a wonderful weekend full of friends and family. We partied non-stop and she loved all her new toys and kissing everyone who would let her. It's funny how every cancer-kid gets labelled a fighter, but Eleanor is really more of a lover. But she's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas!

Eleanor was remarkable in her efforts to keep up, especially after a crappy couple of days in Vancouver. Her PET scan was a bit of a disaster. She was symptomatic when she woke up Friday morning and didn't get any better as the morning went on. We couldn't give her any glucose as it would interfere with the scan. Her blood sugars remained low-ish after the scan and she struggled to wake up after the anesthesia. We had an incredible team of nurses from Children's helping us out and they decided it was in her best interest to recover at the hospital and have endocrine give her the go-ahead to go home. We took a short ambulance ride from the Cancer Agency to Children's and she happily devoured all the food we put in front of her. It took a long while to get her blood work sorted and the seal of approval from endocrine, but we finally left the hospital at 2:45pm and headed home on the 5:00 ferry.

At 7:57 am this morning, we officially got the call to stop her Mitotane. Her oncologist hasn't even reviewed her scan from Friday, but the verdict is that this drug is causing her more harm than good. The harm being her delayed development/growth and her hormones that have swung from androgen to estrogen. The Mitotane also inhibits her steroid, so she is on a higher dose than she should technically be.

I don't know what to think. Kris thinks it's good news. She doesn't need it anymore! Hooray! Huzzah! I'm feeling a little more pessimistic, a little more confused. I guess we will know more when we speak to him directly on Wednesday.

It helps to have a wonderful social media machine at my side and constant birthday messages flowing in for both Eleanor and myself. And a hot London Fog that was left in mailbox :-) I really am a very lucky old lady!