2nd Cancer-versary

Today marks two years since Eleanor's diagnosis. It's a hard day for us, but it's strangely okay. Kris sat down next to me this morning and gently broached the subject. Do we want to talk about? Do we want to acknowledge it? My eyes filled with tears as I contemplated how many times I was told my baby would die in one day. All the sadness and fear started creeping into my bones and then instantly vanished as something crashed in the kitchen. Eleanor. Eleanor here and now is in the kitchen and emptying the cupboards. We put sick Eleanor on the back burner and attended to healthy, mischievous, nap-skipping Eleanor - who is up to no good.

It hurts like hell to remember and we can never forget. But as the days have turned into weeks, months and now years, well, it gets easier to embrace this girl...

Eleanor - June 8, 2013

...and say goodbye to this one.

Eleanor - June 8, 2011

Although today marks the day when she was officially diagnosed, it also marks the day of her starting to get better. It was the day we committed as a family to endure the darkness of chemo and surgery to hopefully emerge in the light. It was the day two wonderful friends came to our rescue, like angels sent from heaven, and became members of our family. It marks the beginning of life as we know it, and even though it's hard, and even though no one would ever wish this on anyone, it has made us who we are and given us hope and faith and that is worth celebrating.

A Baby-Brained Post

Babies are sleeping! I have 30 seconds...

And I'm really rusty. I don't know what I am trying to say. I've started this post four times and every time I abandon it.

Here's a photo bomb while I think...

I'm crazy in love with this baby, and I don't know how, but she has expanded my love for Eleanor. I just can't get enough of her right now. Sure, she drives me crazy and is a ton of work, but she is really something at the moment. She's sassy and assertive and playful. She's really coming into her own and it's exciting to see who she really is. And slightly terrifying. She's really bossy... don't tell her I said that...

Kris made an observation the other day that all this arm-sucking/loving that she does might be for our benefit rather than a soothing technique for her. Apparently she came up to him, gave his arm a big kiss and then demanded what he was eating. As if to say - there you go, now give me that. It made me cry. Can you imagine if 18+ months of "arm love" was solely to make US feel better? All those nights in hospital, all those stressful moments - for me? It's crazy, but as Eleanor reveals herself to be more loving every day, I think there might be some truth to it.

She's crazy about her sister. I can't put Penny down for fear of the love that Eleanor will bestow on her. She climbs into the bouncy chair/car seat/changing mat and chats away while she kisses and pats her. She goes to bed with her dolls and swaddles them, puts a hat on their heads, and then falls asleep cuddling them. There is so much love in her.

Speaking of love, her new favourite thing to do is watch videos of herself. She loves Eleanor! This is a personal favourite of mine, from how loud she is, to what she's wearing...it's just perfect Eleanor right now.

I'm trying to stay with the love-thing. It's really hard to not get swept up in the sadness that this time of year brings. We try to look at Eleanor for everything she is now, and not remember how sick she was two years ago. This year seems especially difficult with Penelope reminding me of what Eleanor was like at that age. I have a lot of flashbacks. I ran into a family at the hospital that we met at Ronald McDonald House. Their son had a relapse in the fall and is in palliative treatment. He nearly died just before Christmas and then suddenly started responding to treatment and has had an amazing couple of months. I chatted with his mum for awhile and when I walked away, I burst into tears. I can't believe how unfair it is. She was marvelling at Eleanor's hair and how good she looked while her son is dying. I don't think I'll ever understand it. It seems so trite when I tell people who have never met Eleanor before. It seems crazy to say, "she had cancer and nearly died" when she is the picture of health. Nothing about her (save her scars on her tummy) suggests that anything was ever wrong with her. Now we just live with the memories, and everything this time of year - from the hockey playoffs, to the newly budded trees, to the long, sunny days - reminds me of the weekend our world turned upside down.

We will be heading over to Vancouver sometime in the next month for Eleanor's PET scan. Before that, we have to see the ophthalmologist about her wonky eye.

"Selfies" make it much, much worse...

Her paediatrician thinks it might be pseudo strabismus, and not actually a lazy eye, and I sincerely hope he is right. She doesn't seem to have any trouble seeing straight, so hopefully it will solved without glasses or an eyepatch. It's going to be hell to try to keep those on her!

Ah the beast awakes...guess which one!