So I got my hair did.
I was looking forward to this all week. Finally some ME time! I thought I could get away from the hospital and be free and mingle with the outside world. And for the most part that is what happened today, but I didn't realize how uncomfortable it would make me. I struggled to make conversation with the stylist and kept bringing everything back to Eleanor. I should have realized it was awkward when she offered to get me a magazine midway through. When it was all done, I sat at the bustop and patiently waited for my bus, the number 5. A stretch limo pulled up and four dashing groomsmen climbed out, followed by a gaggle of bridesmaids and a blushing bride. They were taking photos in the no-mans-land between Granville Island and Kits. They looked so happy. Even though we had the most incredible wedding, I was jealous of this couple. They have everything ahead of them, a clean slate. How did I get here? How do I get out of here? Two number 50s have passed me but my bus hasn't come by and I have been waiting for half an hour. I do a quick search and find that I am not waiting for the number 05, but the 050. How did I misread that? And why didn't those other buses stop? I'm sitting in the bus stop! It all draws me back to my feeling that I don't belong in the outside world. The whole outing left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not anxious about leaving the baby, I just don't like being anywhere but the hospital. I don't want to talk to anyone outside the hospital. You have friends and romances and nights at the pub. You have work and family and extracurricular activities. I have Eleanor and Kris. There's nothing out there for me. Maybe I haven't reached that point where I am completely stir crazy. Who knows?
If ever there was a day to escape, today couldn't have been easier. Eleanor is doing great. We have nothing major to worry about, except high blood pressure, and she's on medication for that. But no infections, no viruses, no fever. Her counts are steadily returning to normal, and it looks as though she will be able to go ahead with more chemo this week, as per her protocol. She's back to being a happy baby and it's really cool to see her doing normal baby things. Speaking of which, she cut her first tooth! It's been a long time coming, and it made a few fake appearances in the past, but it is here for real this time! I'd say "she's getting so big!" but in her case, she is actually getting smaller(losing the Cushinoid weight=good thing) , so I'll say "she's growing up so fast" instead. Little turd. I can't upload photos here as I'm on my phone, but I have some truly great photos and videos of her experience that are heart-warming. Except for the nasogastric tube in her nose, she looks and acts like a typical 7 month old baby. And she smells like one, too. Maybe I can go a little longer with just baby shampoo...
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