Friday 2 December 2011

Decisions

I keep opening up Blogger and thinking of things to write. I start posts, and don't like where they are going, so I close the browser. I think of a new angle, a new topic and try again. Nothing seems to be getting past a few sentences. I wanted to write tonight about how cute Eleanor was going to sleep. How she fought me for hours with her smiles and wiggles. How I climbed into her crib to see if she would settle. How she passed out the second I picked her up and held her next to my heart. But it all seems a bit weird. I don't know what to write anymore, and I am not sure if I want to write it here.

Decisions.
This is Eleanor deciding to take over the whole bed.

I had very clear intentions when I started: I wanted to keep a record for her to read when she got big; I wanted to keep family members (near and far) abreast of her situation, because Lord knows I rarely answer my phone or texts; I wanted an outlet to express myself creatively during this time and this medium always makes me check myself. I mean, I can't write poems about unicorns and rainbows if people are reading it, right? But now I feel my intentions getting blurred. The more I write, the more it becomes a stream-of-consciousness that doesn't make sense or go anywhere good. I feel increasingly private. So I am left pondering what do I do now?


I could always write privately and then decide later if I want to post them. It would give you a whole afternoon of distraction at work. You'd be all like, "Oh, I should get this and that done. Work, work, work, I am very important and busy. Hmm let me just check Kate's blog for any updates... Whhhhhaaaaaa?!??!? 25 posts?!?!? Screw work! I am going to read this instead!"

Or I could just muddle through and document my world going dark... See!? There is that stream-of-consciousness nonsense! Where was I going with that thought? IT DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING!!

I guess I haven't thought this all the way through. I thought maybe by the time I had finished I would know the answer.

Ruminate. Think. Tomorrow.
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2 comments:

  1. Megs4 December 2011 at 10:14

    I don't know you...I found you through Anaya...I feel its important that you release the concept of why you started the blog...write what you want to when you want to...it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be sunshine and unicorns but if you want to write a poem of about unicorns and rainbows and post it..go for it.

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  2. GoldenGoldilocks17 December 2011 at 12:17

    boo.. I wrote a big long post, then realized I was not subscribed to your blog so couldn't post it!

    I totally agree with Megs.. Think about why you started to blog for Eleanor.. and write whatever comes to mind. If it is sunshine and unicorns have at it! The world can always use more sunshine and unicorns! Life is not easy, especially in times of extreme pain, or circumstance so if it is unicorns that keep your spirit up Im all for it (and I love unicorns myself ;) ).

    A blog doesnt have to always be positive, how you women with sick kids do it is beyond me! Post about the negative if that is what you feel like doing, Eleanor will read it later and go oh mom.. I was so sick, it must have been incredibly hard to see that.

    Your posts dont have to be long.. they can be simple like Eleanor = sick :( Boo. They can be elaborate if you want to as well. I will enjoy reading either way :)

    I think of you and your family often, you are all in my prayers each night. Blessings.

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