Bye Bye 2011

I've always loved the time between my birthday and New Years. I get three full weeks to reflect on the past year and think about the year ahead. I'm not big on resolutions, but I do like looking forward. In the past four or five years, I've strived to make each year bigger and better than the one before it. It went a little like this...

2007: got an agent, landed a TV role, got engaged
2008: got married
2009: got a dog, changed careers, ran a marathon
2010: moved cross country, got promoted, had a baby
2011: watched said baby battle cancer

So tonight I am saying goodbye to the worst year of my life. See ya later, it's been a slice. A slice laced with arsenic. I wrote a long post that got pretty morose, so I replacing it with the good. And there is a lot of good.

We finished the year with a lovely day. Eleanor and I met up with her cousins and her cousins' cousins and went for a walk along the beach. It was crazy to watch Bea and Jack and their cousins (on my sister-in-law's side) wander down the beach, looking so grown up. When did they get so big? Jack is almost 8 years old. How did that happen? Anyway, the big kids wandered and explored and climbed on the Cadborosaurus, and the dogs wrestled and swam and I watched with Eleanor strapped to my chest. We had a family dinner of spaghetti and the baby ate some, but was clearly exhausted from her day out and skipping her afternoon nap. She went to bed and Kris and I are watching old episodes of The Extras and eating cookies. We have a bottle of champagne chilling for midnight, but I suspect we will be opening it early. It's already past my bedtime! It's been a good day and tomorrow should be another one.

I feel blessed with days like today. I am very lucky to have my family around and a beautiful beach to visit and love to come home to. When I look back at this year, I feel incredibly sad, but there were some amazing moments. I remember when Eleanor first smiled after surgery. She was back in ICU after a short stint up on the wards and was back there for chemo. Her smile was radiating out of her whole being, and I responded the only way I can when she does something amazing - I open my mouth really wide and raise my eyebrows, like I could absorb all her happiness into me through my face.

See? Super HAPPY birthday!!

And there have been so many moments like that since her tumor was removed. These past six+ months have been incredibly hard, but it has been such a joy getting to know my baby and watching her grow. In so many ways, my life is great. But in one big, crappy way, it is a living nightmare.

I guess for the year ahead, I want focus on the positives in my life, and hold onto them with everything I have. I think that's probably the best I can do. I think it's the best we can all do.

Happy New Year!