Naked

I just dropped the babe off at her CT scan. I held her in my arms and kissed her cheek as she slowly dropped off to sleep. It was much more gentle than the last time, where she instantly turned into a rag doll. They anaesthesiologists ushered me out of the room and I walked the long walk back to 3B, alone. It's amazing how incredibly exposed and naked I feel without my baby in my arms, without her IV pole to maneuver. I put on Kris's sweater and hug my arms around me to feel less alone. She'll be back very soon, and results will follow. I have every reason to believe the results will be good - so why do I feel so scared? I guess I am reliving everything that went wrong last time: the GP avoiding telling me and getting so upset that she transferred our file to someone else; the shock of not 3 or 4 nodes, but 10 to 20; the offer of stopping treatment (again). We put all of our faith in the "big girl juice" and it was all leading up to today. Now we wait and see.