THANK U

We've gotten such sweet messages from all our friends around the world and I want to say a huge, heartfelt THANK YOU! We are very excited to be growing our little family, and a decision this major didn't come without careful consideration and a lot of worry, so it's wonderful to hear positive feedback! I was nervous to come forward and tell the world (up til now only a few friends and family knew), but I am thrilled to have "outed" myself. Well, maybe I'm just thrilled that I finally got to see the babe and it looks SO NORMAL.

I have been terrified that something would be horribly wrong with little Chewbacca/Chewbacqueena (we don't know the gender). It was a huge relief to be able to see 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2, legs, 2 arms, 2 kidneys (and no abnormal growth around them), all the bones in all the right places and 1 brain encapsulated by a GIANT GOUDIE HEAD. Eleanor showed us at her ultrasound that she was all Barry. She had my exact profile, complete with ski-jump nose, and she looks more like me every single day. This nugget, however, looks very little like Eleanor did, and the giant cranium suggests it will look much more like daddy. Exciting, but weird. I realized then (and this probably sounds stupid) that this baby is NOT Eleanor. It's a whole other person. A whole other healthy-looking person, but you know what? Even if baby comes out with something unforeseen, I'm okay with that.

I've lived the past 18 months in fear. I'm scared of my daughter's disease, scared of her dying and scared that our next child will have the same mutation and live a cancer-ridden life. Gradually this last fear has faded. I understand that Eleanor having Li Fraumeni was an anomaly, but what if our other children developed or were born with something else? What would become of us? I met a very nice mother who told me that she was stopping at two children because both her kids and her husband had bad, sometimes life-threatening food allergies, and they were all allergic to different things. She found mealtimes so stressful that she decided two was enough. Her thoughts stuck with me and I wondered if I should stick to one child because my one child is so complicated. I realized that that was just fear talking. Sure, this baby could have something wrong with it, but you know what? I am a really good mum to a sick kid. I mean, I don't toot my horn very often, but I got this. This is the best job I have ever done and I frigging love it. So if Chewy develops ADHD or is on the Autism spectrum or has diabetes or WHATEVER, bring it on. I'm going to love him/her no matter what and make sure s/he has the best life possible. I'm not scared anymore.

I have been writing a few musings-type posts over the past 20 weeks of my pregnancy and I will post them up later tonight. I have dubbed them "The Secret Posts", like a secret song at the end of a cd. You all remember cds, right? Anyway, they aren't really Eleanor related so I always feel a little weird posting them, but if you feel so inclined, they will be there.

Oh, speaking of Eleanor, I don't think she is at all aware of the baby we keep talking to her about, but she can sign "baby" and she can also pile-drive my uterus like no-one's business! Sibling rivalry may have started already!