Yesterday

Just a quick update on yesterday's visit. I know I haven't been posting much lately, and it's kind of fitting with the rest of my life. It's all just one hot mess at the moment. But yesterday, ah yes, yesterday. We went to Vancouver to discuss Eleanor's future with her oncologist. I had sent my research notes in advance so we could talk about different treatments and any other doctors or hospitals that might be of interest. It was a calm and cool meeting, but the response the doctors gave me was exactly the same as it has always been: the nodes are too small to be successfully removed and the chemo she has already received is the only protocol proven to clear up his cancer. I was in full agreement with no more chemo. My research had told me the same thing. But why not surgery? There are 11 in her lungs, which still gave me hope - that's not that many. Dr Schultz pulled up the CT scan to show me, and they are shockingly small. Like, blink and you'd miss them. And they are everywhere. There is no real pattern. If we chose to operate, there is a really high chance that they wouldn't be able to find every single one, and it's very possible that there are smaller ones we can't see. The analogy provided was of ground pepper. When you crack pepper, you get big bits and small bits and some so tiny you can't see it, but you can taste it.

There is also a concern that the blood clot we have been watching in the tricuspid valve in her heart is not actually a clot - it might be cancer. In her heart. Gross. The thrombus that was growing from her tumor was so long, it reached all the way up her vena cava to her heart. And while the were able to remove the tumor and the thrombus in its entirety, it is very possible a piece of it attached itself to the opening of her heart. There is no way to know as there is no way to get it out. So even if we pushed for the thoracic surgery, she still might have cancer. In her heart. Gross.

Of course, it is possible that all these areas of interest are benign and harmless which is pretty much where we are keeping our heads at the moment. We have to believe that our strong, healthy daughter will continue to grow and take her Mitotane, and that will be enough. Otherwise we are just waiting around for the cancer to grow again and take her away from us. These are the thoughts that make my life a hot mess. Not very productive.

Anyway, I know many of you will write back to this saying that we need to fight harder, to which I say, we are. Mitotane is a powerful drug against this cancer, and the rest is up to Eleanor. She has proven the doctors wrong at every turn, so why should she stop now? I have faith in her and I hope you all do too.