or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

His tail catches my attention. It's long, black and rat-like. My heart seizes as I focus on his square head, lowered, but intent, and his beady eyes. As he approaches, I try to remain calm. I look for his owner, who is just far enough away to make me completely unhindered. I try to breathe, but I can't. I pull Atia in close and hold her lead tightly around the stroller handlebar. "Come on, Atia!" I try my best to be jovial, to emit confidence and hide my fear, but as the dogs come face to face, I am in full blown panic. Tears spring to my eyes, my throat tightens, my heart races.

I.just.can't.

The dog goes behind me and I push the stroller, I pull Atia, I squeeze my eyes shut. I hope we are out of the woods.

I can see it all in my mind's eye. They always go for her hind quarters. She will retaliate and be off her centre so they can go for her neck, her face, her eyes.... The sound of dogs fighting, Atia squealing, people yelling - I am the loudest. Blood will burst forth from her flesh, covering her auburn hair. Hear me! Don't hurt her! Please don't take her!

I.just.can't.

I hate that I am one of those people who think pit bull bans are a good thing, but I am terrified of them. I want to love all dogs and blame the owners, but I have been burned too many times by bad dogs with good owners. Atia nearly lost her eye to a pit bull, and in the climate of my life right now, I.just.can't. I see them in the park, running free, and every time it plays out like the above: shaky, dizzying, terrifying.

It's not just dogs that give me anxiety. So many things keep popping up and threatening my little family. I keep a tight leash and try to stay calm, but sometimes it gets out of my control. I feel terrible about the closed door that friends and family keep knocking on and I keep firmly shut. Sometimes it gets too hard and I.just.can't.

It's getting better, though. It's getting better all the time.

We drink from sippy cups now.

(and yes, I am going to see someone about the anxiety)