Day 13

I have posted about Day 13 before. Day 13 is typically when Eleanor's blood counts are the lowest and she gets fevers and mucousitis and nausea and generally keeps everyone on their toes. She requires all the resources available to her and it is a tense time. This round is not like that. She is in high spirits and feeling great. Please consult the following "I eat my own diapers" photo montage as proof.

Diapers for Dorks!

The flash makes baby make funny faces

Annnnd in the mouth it goes
(These were all clean diapers.
No dirty diapers were harmed during the taking  of these photos)

While Eleanor is feeling feisty and energetic, today was a pretty miserable day. A baby who I never met, but feel in explicitly close to, died this afternoon. Her life was short and filled with pain and obstacles. She lost her sight, her ability to move and over the weekend, her ability to breathe. Her parents made the difficult decision to take her off life support and allow her soul to fly free*.

I have been trying to find the words to express how I feel about this, and I can't. All my emotions seem to be stuck in my esophagus - just below my throat. I am pushing them down with yogurt covered pretzels and episodes of Parks and Recreation (my new 30 Rock). And being silly with Eleanor and Kris. I guess I am not allowing myself to feel too much. Death is pretty overwhelming. I feel like pretzels and comedy is a safe place for me to be. And my brain seems to have melted and I am not making much sense. And the spell check on this browser is driving me mental. It is telling me I spelt "diapers" wrong and it is making me crazy. It only offers me the singular version. Can you really not pluralize that word? There can only be one diaper? Ever? Anywhere?

Oh, weird. All the squiggly red lines disappeared after I wrote that. It's like the computer was listening. Yikes. I am not okay right now. More Parks and Rec. And then prayers for Baby Anaya and her family left on earth. And then sleep. Hopefully some rest will help my heart process these emotions.

*Context for my ramblings can be found at her mama's blog or her Facebook page.