You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. - Steve Jobs, 2005

What a week! We are back in the hospital and settling back into our routine after our adventures at home. Our time at home was pretty wonderful. It was incredibly stressful and fraught with emotion, but on the whole, it was great. By Monday morning, we were in a "normal" groove. We woke up early, and Kris brought the baby into bed with me. I organized the baby and the dog and set out for a walk while Kris worked from home. It felt just like old times, and it was deliciously ordinary. Well, it was until her feeding pump started beeping and I had to unhook it from the stroller to figure out where the error was coming from. It was while I was sitting on the sidewalk with a bag of breast milk in one hand and Eleanor's nasal gastric tube in the other that I realized no matter how ordinary our life looks on the outside, it is changed forever. We are not normal.

We got back into hospital yesterday, and had an unexpected visit from Eleanor's oncologist. He informed us that they were going to hold the cisplatin due to her extreme hearing loss. I bristled, and he asked me point blank, "if she survives this, do you want a deaf daughter?" and I was speechless. I had geared myself up to fight, but I realized I wasn't prepared to make this decision at all. I don't know a lot about cisplatin, but I do know that the modifications we made before didn't do anything to fight her cancer. With the cisplatin and the proper doses of the other drugs, we are now seeing results. So do we put our faith in the doxorubicin and etoposide and hold off on the cisplatin for now, or do we forge ahead and ruin what is left of her hearing? We don't know what lies ahead; we only know what has happened previously. Kris and I will be meeting with Dr. Schultz again on Friday to discuss next steps. We have a lot of thinking to do.

On the plus side, my soul was deeply replenished by a fundraiser for Eleanor last night. It was so amazing to have such amazing people from all stages of my life under one roof. It was phenomenal. A huge thank you to my incredible coworkers for organizing it and to all the beautiful souls who came out to support. You are all superheros. Thank you, thank you, thank you!