Chemo Tuesday

Eleanor starts her chemotherapy today. They are modifying her treatment even more due to a lazy kidney. While her output has been pretty good, the filtration rate of her remaining kidney is not up to snuff, so they are reducing one of the drugs by half.

Part of me is relieved that they are going to take it easy on her, especially for the first round, but the other part of me is increasingly anxious about those microscopic cancer cells that are dividing and growing inside her. It's like I can't figure out what scares me more - the cancer or the treatment. It doesn't help that they were supposed to take her down first thing this morning, and it's now after 2:00pm with no end in sight. It doesn't help my baby if I am anxious so I have a volunteer watching her while I collect my thoughts.

I have been deliberately avoiding the literature that was provided to us. This is weird for me. Up til now I have been devouring all the information the doctors and nurses have given me, but I can't bring myself to learn about chemo. It's like the assignments in school or at work that were over my head, so I would put them off or (God forbid) not do them at all. I'll get there eventually.

Eleanor has been looking great these days. Her tummy is hardly distended at all, her scar is healing nicely, the extra tissue and fat on her neck and face seems to be shrinking by the day and her acne is gone. Aside from the Elvis sideburns, furry back and Italian grandmother chin she looks like a proper baby! And she's back down from size 6 (!!!!!) to size 3 diapers. She feels great, too. She's very snuggly and less breakable. It's hard to believe she's sick at all.

I'm going to go get another snuggle now...