Coleslaw

I just got back from a baby-is-down-get-the-fuck-outside-now run. It was raining. I was stopped pretty early in to help a grandmother-mother-toddler save a bird from a storm drain. Once my work was done there, I took off. I burst into my house, dripping wet and, as you can imagine, feeling like Superman. I immediately started looking through the cupboards and refrigerator for dinner. What to eat, what...to...eat... Hmmm. I threw my wet clothes in the washing machine and figured I would shower first when a can of chickpeas caught my eye. I can work with that. I started pulling the only veggies we have out of the crisper drawer. Beets, red cabbage and carrots. I pull out the grater and start grating. I am not wearing pants and I am grating beets. What has the world come to? But I am inspired. Inspired by my coleslaw/bean salad. It's not particularly interesting; it's just veggies grated together. It will not get me on a Food Network program, but it is the first time I have prepared myself something that I actually want to eat in a very, very long time. I am holding the goat cheese in my hand when I spy ginger hiding in the bowels of my fridge. Ginger! Goat cheese - out, ginger - Ding! Ding! Ding! I grate it in. Great.

It is great. It is nostalgic and wonderful and oh my god, it's blood red. What the hell am I eating?!?!? Red cabbage and beets?!?!? Beets are definitely a trump card. Nothing is holding true with them in the mix. But it is good! So good I eat the whole bowl (still Peter Pan-tsless) and think about all the people who I have made salad with (while wearing pants). It's undeniable. I try and deny it, but I can't. I am happy. Despite all my moaning and bitching and feeling miserable, I am not unhappy. I am not depressed. I feel depressed, I have moments of depression, but I am okay. I still get up every morning, I still give Eleanor her meds, I still go running, I still live, love, laugh. It just gets tiring living in the moment, living for right now all the time. I want to plan out the summer, the next year of our lives and we can't. And tonight we were reminded why we can't.

One of our cancer families has hit a huge bump in the road. Lucas is just two months younger than Eleanor and was diagnosed with a rare rhabdoid tumour. Normally this tumour is found on the kidney (much like a Wilm's tumour) or the brain, but Lucas has it on his liver. It spread rapidly over the past few months and he was admitted to hospital tonight. The doctors fear the worst and think this is his last night, but his mother and father believe he is too strong to go now. I believe it too. He is such a charming little boy, always smiling and flirting with the ladies. My heart breaks to think that this is it for him. I hope you will join me in sending peaceful, healing thoughts to Lucas and his family. His mummy and daddy need him here.

Sending all our love to Vernon tonight
xoxoxoox