Grace, Faith and Hope

I'm in love. I'm in love with a little, amorphous blob that emerged from me one week ago. She looks so much like her big sister at this stage, it's scary.

Baby Eleanor

Baby Penelope

But this one is a sleepy panda. She eats, poops and sleeps and that suits me just fine.

I went into labour late on Tuesday night. I had woken up that morning and announced that today was the day and sure enough, that's what happened! I laboured at home with my doula from 10:30pm til 2:30am before we made the move to the hospital. Kris had a big meeting in the morning, so I let him sleep until the last minute. He was so confused to find my mum and my doula sitting in the kitchen! We met our midwife at the hospital at 3:00am and things started to get pretty intense, but it was apparent that this baby would be coming sooner rather than later. After an hour, we broke my water, which was shockingly painful and made me curse my midwife - who is lovely and not mean and should never be spoken to in such a manner - and I started to push. Pushing was super scary for me. I remember it being scary with Eleanor, but I had an epidural, so I was a little further removed from the sensations. With this one, I was feeling everything physically and emotionally and it was extremely draining. It felt like hours, but it was only about 30 minutes. I got a bit panicked at one point and bit my doula on the shoulder. Whoops! I think I owe her a tip for that...

But at 4:32am, little Penelope Primrose Goudie entered the world.

I'm not big into virtue names. I could never name my child Valor or Liberty, but I kind of get why people do. Penelope is Greek for "weaver" and it just seems to fit perfectly for this little lady. A weaver takes objects, be it fabric or wicker or whatever, and through an enormous amount of care, talent and inherent ability, transforms these simple objects into something durable, lasting and beautiful.

She's putting us all back together. 

Her middle name is a testament to faith, and no matter how bad the winter, spring will always come. 

I've got love goggles on. All I can see is love. Even when Atia pees in the bathroom and Eleanor pulls my mug of cold tea onto the floor (and all over her, of course) and when I am changing newborn blowout diapers. My heart is full. My cup runeth over. People keep asking about Penelope's blood work and when we will get results. I don't know. And right now, I don't care. I can't see Eleanor as anything but a mischievous 2-year old. I don't see her delays, I don't see her scars, I just see HER - a vibrant, cheeky little girl. And Penelope, well, yeah. How could I possibly see her as any way other than perfect? She is perfect! I left her on the bed to go pee and she started to cry. A familiar sensation of frustration crept up through my bones. Why can't you just let me go to the bathroom? But the instant I lay my eyes on her sweet little face, all those feelings disappeared, and I just love her. It's an incredible thing to just love and watch your love grow right before your eyes.

I've spent the last week sitting on my "perch". I sit on the chaise part of our couch and I nurse my baby and I hold her while she sleeps. I am fighting hard to stay still and stay close. I was able to really honour the "fourth trimester" with Eleanor and I know I won't be able to do the same this time. It makes me a little bit sad that the second child (and all subsequent children) won't get that same undivided attention. So I just get where I can, so to speak. Eleanor has taken to her little sister remarkably well. I was so apprehensive coming home from the hospital. My hormones were raging, as they tend to do 24 hours after birth, and Eleanor was having a nap. Right from the get-go my plans were out the window. I thought I would walk into the house on my own, greet Eleanor and then introduce her to the baby, who would be carried by someone else. So...plan B? Eleanor sleeps, baby sleeps in car seat and Mummy has a complete panic attack. Luckily my doula came over to visit and smoothed everything over (i.e.: told me to stop freaking out and made everything much less monumental and much more ordinary). Eleanor woke up and I got her out of her crib. She wasn't ready to wake up and was pretty cranky. She didn't want me AT ALL. So we allowed her to wake up for a few minutes and then went and woke up the baby. I'll never forget that look on her face - it's like she knew that this was her sister, and not just another baby. It wasn't love at first sight, but it was an understanding. And then she went totally koo-koo for her. She just wanted to hug and kiss her all afternoon. And she hasn't really stopped since!

It's far from perfect, but it feels right. This whole experience has filled me with hope. I'm so glad Eleanor is a big sister. It's a role that fits her really well. I am really happy that Kris and I are parents to two kids. Atia isn't overly thrilled, but her vote doesn't really count anymore as she is grossly outnumbered.

I think she will be okay. I think we will all be okay.