Running and other nonsense

I haven't been posting lately. I've been distracted. I signed up for a half-marathon and got really excited about training and setting goals and carving out a little time for me. I got so excited I signed up for a full marathon as well! This past month has been all about running. No matter how crappy my day has been, I know that after Eleanor goes to sleep, I can sneak out and take care of business. It's given me direction and focus and made me feel just plain good.

As the half approached, I started to become very aware that while I was putting in fairly good mileage, I wasn't very fast. I knew I could do the distance, but I knew it would be slower than I used to be. While that makes sense in a rational person's mind, I couldn't accept it. So during the race yesterday, I tested my pace and pushed a little too hard. I backed off and when I watched the two-hour finish time pass me by, I didn't have the heart to keep fighting. I became distracted and disheartened. I was thirsty and bored. I had a cramp. That girl's shorts are too short. That guy looks pervy. Oooh, I like those shoes...and so on and so forth. I finished 15 minutes off my PR and totally devastated.

I came home to my daughter and husband who allowed me to mope - but only for that evening. And rightly so. If I have learned anything from my lifelong obsession with musical theatre, it's that the sun'll come out tomorrow. I had trouble falling asleep and Eleanor woke up fussing just after midnight. As I wrestled with her to go back to sleep and came up short for three hours, I realised that my PR days might be behind me. Being a mum is pretty draining in the best of circumstances. Not only did I have a baby, I had ELEANOR. She's not just a cancer baby, she's a cancer baby with an adrenal insufficiency. She's seriously complicated! And she's exhausting! So my time sucked. So what?!? It's amazing that I can get out of bed every day.

So I am cutting myself some slack. I'm going to keep working towards the marathon in two months time and concentrate on finishing. If it takes me five hours, so be it. I just want to DO it. And NOW I am done moping. Officially.

And Eleanor didn't miss me at all. She partied with daddy the whole time. I walked in and she looked up like, "oh yeah, I remember you. Got any Goldfish?"

(I kid. She kinda likes me.)