No Words

I've had words bouncing around in my head for the past 36 hours. Words and thoughts and feelings and when I open my mouth - nothing comes out. I'm a bit stumped, and quite unsure how to proceed, so bear with me, and I will do my best to bare with you (emotionally, not physically).

No Words

Kris often uses the expression "No words" when I send him photos of Eleanor looking amazing, or doing something cute or just generally being awesome. He claims that this was the first thing said when the astronauts landed on the moon. I thought it was when they saw the first earthrise from the dark side of the moon, but when I looked it up, it was not said on either occasion. I think our memories are stemming from a clever ad that has forever been implanted in our heads by some corporate conglomerate, like Nike or Apple. I really want to link this quote to something profound, but for my intents and purposes, it will have to stand on its own.

I have no words.

Eleanor's oncologist wants to stop chemo after this round. He thinks the 7 rounds of platinum drugs (carboplatin and cisplatin) is too much for a baby, especially if she is not responding. Her hearing and kidney function are indicators that her body is not tolerating it well and there has been very little change in the lung mets. Apparently we have gotten to the point that we are causing her more harm than good, and it's time to stop.

What does this mean? Our options are pretty slim. They are unwilling to "cherry pick" her lungs because the nodes are too spread out. There are a couple of drugs that aren't frontline drugs that she could try, but there is very little chance they will do anything. They will scan her again after this round to see if anything has changed, and I am hoping they will do a biopsy to see if these nodes are active or not. They could be scar tissue, but nobody is really deluding themselves with that possibility.

My daughter will always have cancer. She won't go into remission. She won't live a long and healthy life.

A spouse who outlives their partner is a widow(er). A child who outlives their parents is an orphan. There are no words for a parent who outlives their child.

Yup.

No words.

Love you so much, little bear