Comfortably Numb

I slept terribly last night. After Eleanor went to bed, I jumped into the tub with Penelope. I'm not big into bathing newborns, but when I do it, I like to bathe with them. I carefully washed her little face with its outbreak of baby acne, and I made sure to clean between the folds on her neck. I tilted her ever so slightly to the side to get a better angle, and suddenly I was no longer holding Penelope, I was face-to-face with baby Eleanor. Not cute, lovely newborn Eleanor but cancer-stricken, cushinoid, greasy, spotty Eleanor. A lump rose in throat as I rolled her onto her back and she morphed back into herself. Just a regular newborn with a regular skin irritation. I remind myself (for the 18th time that day) that Eleanor's symptoms came out much later and that the likelihood of Penelope having the same cancer is nearly impossible...

Even so, I didn't sleep well last night.

We got the call this morning from the geneticist in Vancouver. Penelope does NOT have Li Fraumeni! She was so excited to give us good news (unlike the shitstorm she gave us in April) that she bypassed formalities and procedures and called us the second she got into her office. It's wonderful news and we are breathing a sigh of relief for her. I am slowly realising that her baby acne is just that, and nothing more. She is going to be okay.

And with that, I'm full of sorrow for Kris and Eleanor. This news doesn't change anything for them and that makes it all seem bittersweet. Or maybe my post- birth hormones are raging and have cancelled everything out. Either way, I'm not as elated as I thought I'd be. But it's good news, and I like good news.

And I like that she's practically perfect. Practically Perfect Penny Prim.